Part 1 here.
But before starting the Helen, Brian had me warm up. This isn't your grandma's warming up. No afghan, no hot cocoa. I started with jumping rope, then leg swings, then contorting my arm across some PVC pipe in ways I was sure I couldn't. I did pushups, pull ups, squats, and kettle bell swings. My heart rate was up and my legs were burning. At one point I asked if we had started the Helen. He just grinned and shook his head 'no'. I died a little.
Then two things that followed which I can only describe as ominous. Brian said, "Oh no, I forgot to have you sign a waiver." Waivers are standard, I have accepted that. But the urgency with which he proceeded told me right there that I was in for some pain. Next, one of his regulars showed up early for his workout. Brian told him I was about to start the Helen. His sadistic grin was something I have only seen on the faces of cannibals and men hazing other men. And...I believe what they were doing well somewhere in the spectrum between the two.
Brian opens a big garage door to the 85 degree sun, and shows me the 400m course. Not bad, I think (until I realize I have to do this thrice). He gives me the 'go' and I pace myself.
This is about the time I feel I should tell you about my breakfast. Doing my slow carb diet, I start my day off with protein and vegetables. Today it was sausage (stupid!) and red peppers, and not nearly enough water. I knew I was having this Crossfit meeting, but I naively assumed it would be a gentle meet-and-greet with no workout. Lindsey told me I should be ready to work out. I didn't listen. Another point for my wife...
With every step I feel my long lost breakfast beckoning to me from far off. I'll get back to my breakfast--or vice versa--a little later.
More regulars have shown up early, and they watch me before their class. Run finished, I step inside and grab the kettle bell. I notice they've given me the light one. I feel like I'm using the pink bowling ball at the lanes. Kettle bell swings were a breeze. Now it's on to 12 pull ups. I haven't been able to do 12 pull ups in a solid year. But I'm not allowed to quit. Brian starts motivating me. Any doubt about him being the perfect trainer for me was dispelled when he quoted Zombieland to get me up that bar.
I struggle to get the 12, but I do them. I run to the office to get some water. All they have is Dixie cups. I think the women are making fun of me. I come back and Brian says he thought I was in the bathroom puking. Patience, Brian, I'm almost there. I get outside to run again. Humping that kettle bell does more to your lower body than you think, and I'm feeling like someone filled the running track with molasses three feet deep. Onward I trudge.
Inside, I see that kettle bell smugly sitting there, inert. I wish I were inert right now. I knock out the swings and groan as I approach the bar. 12 pull ups take FOREVER, even with Brian pulling everything out he can to make them easier for me (I'm pretty sure he almost lifted me up there at the end).
Two cycles down, just one more. The timer says 11:22, and Brian calls it off. He says if I can't finish in 12 minutes, he won't let me keep going.
So, I didn't even finish the Helen. Heck, I FEEL like Helen. I thank Brian for making me feel like a little girl, and I walk out to my car. I just sit there for a second, and think about napping. But I start driving. About a mile away from the gym, I have to pull over. I stand in one of those unmarked Ohio fields and yack up the sausage, and the peppers, and all the water. A headache ensues, and I get back in my car. Again, I sit, and daydream about napping. I don't remember getting home, but it must have happened.
If the workouts are at least this intense, I can't wait to smash some undead skull in October!!!
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